PurpleheartOklahoma (scroll down)

purpleheartoklahoma
Lawton, OK
United States
ph: 580-583-6417
brucedwyer@sbcglobal.net

Military Humor

Military Humor 29August2011

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it is a
commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Army aircraft, it is
1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Air
Force aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and
120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

________________________________

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as
he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and
handing him the keys. "Yours is."

_____________________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of
his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the
airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be
seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he
had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do
you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook
up your telephone."
________________________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

________________________________

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

______________________________

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the
barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will
think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My
wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
________________________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I
suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting
for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm
never going to stand in line again!"

Worse Punishment?
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They

were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman

performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman

responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am

pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

Communication Breakdown...
The reason the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines squabble among themselves is that they

don't speak the same language. For example, take a simple phrase like, "Secure the building."
        • The Army will put guards around the place.
        • The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
        • The Air Force will take out a 5-year lease with an option to buy.
        • The Marines will kill everybody inside and make it a command post.

Strangers on a train
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and

two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was

decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her Sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen

years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the

older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant

Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they

entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the

sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard

throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age

there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world

would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think

that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a wonderful world this is when a

private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with

it!"

Sergeant's philosophy
The Company Commander and the First Sergeant were in the field. As they hit the sack for

the night, the First Sergeant said, "Sir, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
        The CO said, "I see millions of stars."
        1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"
        CO: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially

billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and

insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does

it tell you, Top?"
1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent."

Shit: Through the Eyes of the Military
An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35-pound pack on his back, 15-lb. weapon in his

hand, having marched 12 miles, and says, "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45-pound pack on his back, weapon in

hand, after having jumped from a plane and jogged 18 miles, says with a smile, "This is good shit."
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55-pound pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10

miles to shore, crawling through a swamp, and running 25 miles at night past enemy positions, says

with a grin, "This is really great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65-pound pack

on his back and weapons in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude into the

ocean, swimming 12 miles to shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30

miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit."
An Air Force NCO sits in an easy chair in an air-conditioned, carpeted office in front of

his computer and says, "My e-mail is out? What kind of shit is this?"

CIA Assassin test
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and

testing were done, there were three finalists. two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him

a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances.

Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then

you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All

was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I

can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard

screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened

slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with

blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Jeep in the mud
During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road

encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck,

sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

Alligator Shoes
An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some

Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the

vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your

shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"
The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the

same.
"So the Ranger went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing

still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed an

alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the

gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his

spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines

threw the gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes

either!"

GI Insurance
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about

their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for

insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in

the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you

have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your

beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the

government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Time Check
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the

other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call

from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
        The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
        The pilot replied, "What difference does it make?"
         The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
        If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
        If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
        If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
        If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
        If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour

Military Truisms
• "Aim towards the Enemy." [Instruction printed on US rocket launcher]
• When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is no longer our friend. [From a US Field Manual]
• Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
• Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
• Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
• If your attack is going too well, you are walking into an ambush.
• If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
• Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
• No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.
• Any ship can be a minesweeper . . . . once.
• If the enemy is in range, so are you.
• Tracers work both ways.
• Friendly fire isn't.
• Five second fuses only last three seconds.
• Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
• The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
• Incoming fire has the right of way.
• The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.
• If you can see the enemy, he can see you.
• And never tell your Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.

The Prayers of Officers
One day, three O-6s were hiking together and unexpectedly came upon a wide, raging, biolent

river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The Air Force Colonel called out to God, praying, "Please God, give me the strength to

cross this river."

POOF!
God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across. It did, however,

take him more than an hour and he almost drowned a couple of times.
Seeing this, the Army Colonel played to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and

tools to cross this river."

POOF!
God gave him a rowboat and oars. He was able to row across but it still took almost an

hour, it was very rough, and he almost capsized several times.
The Navy Captain saw how things worked out for the other two, so when he prayed to God, he

said, "Pleae God, give me the strength, tools, and the intelligence to cross this river."

POOF!
God turned him into a Marine Lance Corporal. He looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple

of hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.

Experience Wanted
Shortly after joing the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant

stepped forward with that day's assignments. He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does

anyone here have experience with radio communications?"
A longtime ham radio operator, I shouted, "I do!"
"Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

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purpleheartoklahoma
Lawton, OK
United States
ph: 580-583-6417
brucedwyer@sbcglobal.net