PurpleheartOklahoma (scroll down)

GREAT TRUTHS
 
 1.. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and
three or more is a congress.
         -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
         -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself.
         -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
         -- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
         -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay  off with your money.
         -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
         -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
         -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton atGeorgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
         -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
         -- Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)

11. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
         -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
         -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
         -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one  party of the citizens to give to the other.
         -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
         -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
         -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
         -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
         -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
         -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
         -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
         -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress.
         -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
         -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
          -- Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
         -- Aesop

A Court Reporter trying to keep a straight face

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.

> >ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that
> >morning?
> >WITNESS:   He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
> >ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
> >WITNESS:   My name is Susan!
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> >WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
> >WITNESS:   No , I just lie there.
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> >WITNESS:   Yes.
> >ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> >WITNESS:   I forget..
> >ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you
> >forgot?
> >___________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> >sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> >WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> >____________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
> >WITNESS:   He's 20 , much like your IQ.
> >___________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
> >WITNESS:   Are you shitting me?
> >_________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> >WITNESS:   Yes.
> >ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
> >WITNESS:   Getting laid
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
> >WITNESS:   Yes.
> >ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
> >WITNESS:   None.
> >ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
> >WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
> >new attorney?
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
> >WITNESS:   By death..
> >ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
> >WITNESS:   Take a guess.
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
> >WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard
> >ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
> >WITNESS:   Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> >_____________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
> >notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >______________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> >dead people?
> >WITNESS:   All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
> >_________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
> >to?
> >WITNESS:   Oral...
> >_________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> >WITNESS:   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
> >ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> >WITNESS:   If not , he was by the time I finished.
> >____________________________________________
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> >WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
> >______________________________________
> >
> >And last:
> >
> >ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
> >pulse?
> >WITNESS:   No.
> >ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
> >WITNESS:   No.
> >ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
> >WITNESS:   No..
> >ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> >began the autopsy?
> >WITNESS:   No.
> >ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> >WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
> >nevertheless?
> >WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> >practicing law.